I will never be ready for the next big jump. 

But I still choose to jump with both feet in.  And I guess so many of those moments that have shaped who I am today were results of those seemingly random decisions. 

Should I spend 4 months in a country I know nothing about, with people I barely even know? Or should I just stay home? Should I climb a mountain? Should I change jobs? 

It might not have always been comfortable, and most of the time, I do question myself and my sanity. But at the end of the day, I’m glad.  

I’m glad because despite those vulnerable moments when I’m at my weakest and feel the most helpless, I come out a little bit stronger, knowing myself a little bit better. I’m glad because I am my own person, that I was able to make those decisions by myself for myself, that I take responsibility for my actions. 

And I guess it’s only fitting that I’m writing this now, 6 years after making that decision to hop on a plane and set out on one of life’s greatest adventures. But you know what’s funny? I realized it gets harder as I get older. Fear creeps in and suddenly I find myself hesitating a little bit more than I did before. Suddenly, I start doubting myself and what I think I’m capable of.

Isn’t it that as we grow older, we’re supposed to be more logical and therefore less afraid? That we know that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? So how come we start thinking of those what-ifs that probably never crossed your mind a few years back? 

As the years add on, I don’t ever want to lose that feeling that the world is mine to conquer, that anything is possible, and that nothing is too great for me to achieve. 

May we never lose that spark and that sense of adventure. Cheers! 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Ps 139:14

Image taken from http://37.media.tumblr.com/63926ec3fb4ca7c4cad26b978ed31966/tumblr_nakbnoVFKb1s1rbp9o1_500.jpg

But on certain days, I feel I am not. Today is one of those days. This is not the way I imagined starting off my 2015. 

I had too much fun and too much alcohol. Too much YOLO and not enough of common sense and responsibility. I shouldn’t have overstayed my welcome and left when I said I would. Maybe then I wouldn't have drunk so much. Maybe then Mom wouldn't have been so angry. 

These are the choices that I made. And yes I was happy at that point in time. But was that momentary happiness worth it? Maybe this should've been the new benchmark in making decisions. After all, aren’t I supposed to be more mature now? 

So why then do I feel bad, ashamed even? Maybe it’s because this is not really who I am. And I know I have done something wrong. I have failed because this is not who I am. I went against who I think I am,  and honestly, harsh and pompous as it may sound, I do not feel worthy to be called a child of God. 

But regardless of what I feel, I am lucky, but most of all I am loved. 

Sometimes, it is hard to grasp that concept— of someone loving us despite our shortcomings. And I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that. But I guess this whole thing is also a blessing in a way. For  me to finally realize what it means. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Ps 139:14