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But on certain days, I feel I am not. Today is one of those days. This is not the way I imagined starting off my 2015.
I had too much fun and too much alcohol. Too much YOLO and not enough of common sense and responsibility. I shouldn’t have overstayed my welcome and left when I said I would. Maybe then I wouldn't have drunk so much. Maybe then Mom wouldn't have been so angry.
These are the choices that I made. And yes I was happy at that point in time. But was that momentary happiness worth it? Maybe this should've been the new benchmark in making decisions. After all, aren’t I supposed to be more mature now?
So why then do I feel bad, ashamed even? Maybe it’s because this is not really who I am. And I know I have done something wrong. I have failed because this is not who I am. I went against who I think I am, and honestly, harsh and pompous as it may sound, I do not feel worthy to be called a child of God.
But regardless of what I feel, I am lucky, but most of all I am loved.
Sometimes, it is hard to grasp that concept— of someone loving us despite our shortcomings. And I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that. But I guess this whole thing is also a blessing in a way. For me to finally realize what it means.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Ps 139:14
